21 Terrible Jokes

  1. Two peanuts walk into a bar.  One was a salted.
     
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
     
  3. A sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
     
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
     
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
     
  6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was brilliant.
     
  7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
     
  8. Patient: “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’.  That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.  Is it common?”
    Doctor: “It’s not unusual.”
     
  9. Two cows are standing beside each other in a field.
    Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
    “I don’t believe you.”, said Dolly.
    “It’s true, no bull!”, exclaimed Daisy.
     
  10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.
     
  11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.  One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
    The other says, “Are you sure?”
    The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive...”
     
  12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before.
     
  13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
    “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.”
    So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
    “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
    “No, because he’s really heavy.”
     
  14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  So, since there are 5 people in my family, one of them must be Chinese.  It’s either my mom or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.  But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.
     
  15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
     
  16. I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 cents that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.
    He said, “Hell no, the steaks are too high.”
     
  17. A man awoke in the hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
    The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms.”
     
  18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week....and pulled a mussel.
     
  19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.  This proves once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
     
  20. What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.
     
  21. Two termites walk into a bar.  One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”